


Until The Candle Goes Out

by aegicheezu



Category: BUCK-TICK, Jrock, X JAPAN
Genre: Flirting, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-23 13:14:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12508244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aegicheezu/pseuds/aegicheezu
Summary: Riding the wave of their newfound rock stardom, Atsushi and Yoshiki collaborate on a photoshoot that gets a little more exciting than either of them anticipated…*Set in 1991, this fic is based off of a photoshoot the boys did (link to the photos in the notes at top and bottom of page). Title is a reference to one of my favourite songs by Buck-Tick, Kiss Me Goodbye.





	Until The Candle Goes Out

**Author's Note:**

> here's a link to the photoshoot... enjoy! 
> 
> https://visualioner.com/2013/03/24/erotic-photoshoot-with-atsushi-yoshiki/

“Ahh, this costume is too tight!” Yoshiki whined. “Atsushi, help me!” He called playfully over to the other man, who seemed also to be struggling with his outfit. When Atsushi didn’t respond right away, Yoshiki hopped on one leather-trousered leg over to him. “Atsushi, help me,” he repeated. Atsushi himself seemed to be struggling with the buttons on his high-waisted black trousers.

“Sorry, sorry,” He smiled. “I was distracted by these buttons! They’re too stiff. You help me and I’ll help you,” He reached out and steadied the poorly-balancing Yoshiki. “Here, hold on to me while you try and get those on.”

The two men couldn’t help but laugh. Though the outfits for the photoshoot had been their idea in theory, in practice it was a whole other thing; neither had anticipated the aerobics it would take to get dressed. After a few minutes of exaggerated groans and a few giggles, the two managed to come away fully dressed.

Making their way to have a chat with the photographers about posing, Atsushi couldn’t help but steal a glance at the other man’s form in the skintight leather pants and rather feminine flowy top. Without noticing, he trailed behind Yoshiki a little, causing the other man to glance back at him and toss him a puzzled look that read, _what are you looking at? Come on!_ Atsushi smiled awkwardly back at Yoshiki and quickened his pace _. I never really paid attention to how pretty he is_ , Atsushi chastised himself. _This might be difficult_. Though, as that thought crossed his mind, he smiled.

“You sit on the chair, Sakurai-san,” the photographer directed. “Sit on it backwards, and look towards Hayashi-san.” He waved the men over to the staged area, and positioned the men as he liked. Yoshiki made silly faces at Atsushi while the photographer took his photos behind him; Atsushi fought hard not to laugh and ruin the photos. _This asshole,_ he thought lovingly. _Making cute faces at me, I’m trying to keep a serious expression!_ He tried to tell Yoshiki off with his eyes, but it didn’t work. After a while though, Yoshiki did stop – his own expression had changed to quite a thoughtful one. _What’s he thinking now?_ Atsushi wondered. _Maybe he’s finally taking it seriously._

Yoshiki was, in fact, being serious – watching Atsushi clench his jaw to keep from laughing at his attempts to distract him, he felt a warmth in his throat that moved through him suddenly. _What’s this?_ He wondered. _How handsome Atsushi is, when he’s not even trying…_ Thankful that his back was to the camera, he allowed himself a moment to really look at the other man. With his long, raven hair cascading down his shoulders, and those eyebrows, he had a strange femininity about him; but it was his eyes that Yoshiki seemed drawn to the quickest. _How deep and brown they are!_ He remarked. And the way that Atsushi seemed to be sizing him up, letting his eyes run the length of Yoshiki’s body was… it was… what was it? He couldn’t seem to name the feeling, just then. But Yoshiki didn’t seem to mind; he smiled back at Atsushi. _I wonder what he’s thinking, looking at me like that?_

Before long, the photographer exclaimed that he’d gotten the shot he wanted, and requested the men take a different pose against the nearby white wall. “Sakurai-san, lean against the wall next to Hayashi-san,” he’d said, “and Hayashi-san, look bored of him.”

“Sorry, what?” Asked Yoshiki, a little surprised. “Why should I look bored?” He looked over at Atsushi next to him. _As if I’d ever get bored looking at him… where did that thought come from?_ He shook his head.

“The mood of the photoshoot is romantic,” the photographer explained. “In this series of photos, I want it to seem like you are tired of his advances, but not of his attention.”

Atsushi nodded, understanding. “Ahh, so I’m pursuing him, is that it?” He smiled. “That’s rather fun,” he nudged Yoshiki and added just above a whisper, “I wonder if you’d ever give in.”

Flustered and hoping the photographer didn’t hear Atsushi’s tease, Yoshiki blushed a little. “I get it, I get it,” he said. “Where do you want us?” The photographer, blessedly, hadn’t heard what Atsushi had said, and led the men towards the white wall where he gave them further direction.

“Closer, Sakurai-san,” the photographer corrected, “and hide your face a little,” he nodded in approval as Atsushi took his direction well.

“I wonder if he can hear us if I whisper,” Atsushi teased Yoshiki, who was leaning against the wall and had been told to angle his body slightly away from Atsushi.

“Who knows,” he managed. _What’s gotten into him?_ He wondered, though he wasn’t sure if he minded. “You… you look good,” he added, weakly.

Atsushi smiled at Yoshiki’s childishness. “So do you,” he replied, voice low and sonorous, “With your hair up like this, your neck looks so pretty.” He glanced at Yoshiki, eyes covered slightly by his mass of hair.

“Atsushi, don’t say such things…” Yoshiki pleaded softly. “the director might hear you…”

“Are you embarrassed?” Atsushi pressed, leaning closer, “you shouldn’t be.”

“Any why not?” He whispered. Yoshiki turned his eyes away from the other, and pouted a little. The photographer began to snap his pictures.

“Look in a mirror, Yoshiki,” Atsushi continued, “you must know the effect you have on people.”

“I didn’t intend to distract you,” Yoshiki couldn’t help the rising pink in his cheeks, and prayed the photographer wouldn’t notice.

Atsushi leaned in further still. “You haven’t distracted me,” he breathed in, remarking the scent of Yoshiki’s cologne. “You’ve… changed my mind about some things.”

“What things?”

Atsushi opened his mouth to reply, but the photographer called “cut!” and the men broke apart.

“That’s it for the photos in these outfits,” he called. “Please have a rest and change into the next series of clothes.”

Thankful for the momentary reprieve from Atsushi, Yoshiki bolted to the nearby restroom. He splashed water on his face, fully aware that he’d have to do his makeup all over again. He didn’t care; his face felt so hot from embarrassment after what Atsushi had said to him. He looked at himself in the mirror, eye makeup smudged from the cool water.

“What was all that?” he said aloud. “I’ve never heard him speak like that to me before…” he rubbed his face, thankful he was alone.

Until a knock was heard at the door.

“Yoshiki?” Atsushi’s voice.

 _Shit,_ Yoshiki thought. He cleared his throat and dried his face. “Yes?”

“Let me in,” Atsushi’s voice sounded… what? Apologetic?

Yoshiki took a deep breath and opened the door. “What is it?” He stood to the side, allowing Atsushi entry.

“I’m sorry about before,” Atsushi’s eyes were downcast, and he ran a hand through his long hair. “I didn’t mean to startle you. I was just teasing.”

Yoshiki’s heart surged a little. _Joking…? Then… he didn’t mean any of it, after all…_

He smiled, attempting to brush it all off. “I knew you were just joking, Atsushi,” he gently punched the other man’s arm. “Of course, you weren’t looking at me like that.”

Atsushi suddenly looked up and met Yoshiki’s gaze. “No, Yoshiki, you misunderstood me,” he stepped closer. “I was being serious… you’re beautiful,” he reached out a hand and rested it on the other’s slim waist.

“Atsushi, where is this coming from?” Yoshiki leaned in, close enough to smell the other man’s cologne; the place where Atsushi touched him on his bare skin seemed to be on fire.

“I myself don’t know,” Atsushi brought his face close to Yoshiki’s. “This is the first time I have wanted to be so close to another man.”

“Atsushi,” Yoshiki whispered, close enough to the other man’s lips that if the urge struck him, he could have easily closed the gap between their faces. “We should head back… I’ve ruined my makeup… and the director will wonder where we are… we need to change.” Being so close to the other man made Yoshiki’s knees feel weak; what was it about Atsushi’s deep brown eyes that seemed to ruin his logical thought?

Atsushi smiled his crooked smile. “You’re right, they’ll wonder where we’ve gone.” He touched his forehead to Yoshiki’s, and breathed in deeply, closing his eyes. The grip on Yoshiki’s waist tightened. “We should get back and change.”

And with that, Atsushi turned and left, gently closing the washroom door behind him, leaving the faint scent of his perfume in the air. Yoshiki fell back against the sink, almost dizzy.

 _Well, that’s new…_ Yoshiki thought, rubbing his face. _Though not entirely unpleasant…_ he made up his mind to talk with Atsushi properly about things once the shoot was finished. He threw his head back theatrically and sighed. What was Atsushi’s game?  He swished his long hair back and forth, tickling his shoulders. Whatever it was that Atsushi was doing… it certainly made Yoshiki think twice about the other man. There was a tension that he couldn’t ignore; he sighed again. _What can I do?_ He counted to ten and tried to calm the blush that had risen in his cheeks, and then stepped out to change into the next outfit.

He’d calmed down considerably by the time he had dressed in the new costume; a gold and black brocade dress of sorts. His serenity fled almost immediately once he laid his eyes on Atsushi, though, who was leaning casually against the wall – _why does he always have to look so cool?_ – in a black military uniform that fit him absurdly well. He slid himself next to the other man and said as coolly as he could muster, “it suits you.” Atsushi grinned and looked down at his boots.

“You think so?” He said, glancing sidelong towards Yoshiki. “I think gold makes you look like a king.” His voice seemed uniquely childlike for a moment, which Yoshiki thought was sweet.

“Charmer,” Yoshiki snorted. Then, suddenly feeling bold, he added, “Atsushi, help me with my makeup.”

Atsushi looked down at his feet again. “Alright.”

The pair waked to the nearby vanity table; Yoshiki sat down, arms at his sides resting on the chair. Atsushi gingerly picked up a disposably face-wipe and carefully, gently, dabbed at his forehead and cheeks. “Soft,” Atsushi smiled, fighting his own urge to blush. _Has he come around?_ He wondered. _Or is he messing with me like I did with him before?_ Their faces were very close, Atsushi could feel Yoshiki’s soft breathing against his own skin. He’s so pretty, even close-up. _Makes me want to kiss him…_ Atsushi shook his head slightly. _I don’t know what’s gotten into me,_ he reprimanded himself _, why am I feeling this way about a man?_

“Atsushi,” Yoshiki interrupted his train of thought. “Can you do my eyeliner?” He looked up at the other man, expectantly. “I messed it up earlier.”

“Ah,” Atsushi stumbled over his words, “Ah, yes. Sure.” _How cute,_ Yoshiki thought _, he’s nervous. I bet that doesn’t happen often. I should take advantage of this…_ He bent his head forward more, closing the space between them further. He swore he could even hear Atsushi’s heartbeat, but knew it was impossible.

As he applied Yoshiki’s thick, smoky eyeliner, Atsushi remarked again how soft the other man’s face was under his touch. Fighting off a blush, he swallowed hard and tried to re-line his eyes as delicately as had been done before. _What are we doing?_ He thought to himself again. _I can’t seem to control myself… I don’t want to scare him off, but I can’t help but want to be near him, like this…_

Again, his thoughts were interrupted by Yoshiki. “You’re so gentle, Atsushi,” he said, eyes closed. “It feels nice.”

“Don’t… don’t say things like that, when I’m so close to you like this…” Atsushi managed to say, as softly as he could without anyone else overhearing.

Before Yoshiki could respond, they were both snapped out of their little reverie by the brisk voice of the director. “Gentlemen, if you’re ready!”

“Yes!” They both called out.

The photographer explained the poses for the next series of photos; Yoshiki would be reclined on the sofa, while Atsushi loomed over him. Yoshiki agreed, wondering what Atsushi would think. Once again, the photographer directed their poses for the first selection of photos, and Yoshiki lay down on the sofa gazing up at Atsushi, who was leaning down close.

“This is a little stranger than the other ones, don’t you think?” Atsushi smiled, trying to break the tension he certainly felt between him and the other.

Yoshiki smiled back. “I don’t know about that, it’s quite nice from my perspective.” He winked subtly, making Atsushi blink in confusion. Yoshiki chuckled a little.  “Come a little closer, I have an idea.” Atsushi obliged, leaning down further and resting a hand on the chaise for balance. Yoshiki slowly slid one hand up Atsushi’s arm and with the other, he gently tugged at his tie. The photographer seemed very pleased with this, because just then the men heard a flurry of snaps from the cameras. He held himself there for a few beats and noticed Atsushi swallowing hard, eyes downcast. _I’ve got him_ , Yoshiki thought. _Shall I tease him some more?_

“You’re pretty when you’re speechless,” Yoshiki purred, tugging playfully at Atsushi’s tie.

“Do you know,” Atsushi paused, keeping his voice low and posture bent for the photos, “do you know how lovely you look right now?” _If it weren’t for these cameras, I would have you right here on this couch,_ he wanted to say.

Yoshiki smiled but tried to keep his face still. He whispered, “Atsushi, you’re very… different, today.”

“I told you before… I can’t help myself… seeing you like this.”

“You’re going to hate it when I go for a costume change in a moment, then,” Yoshiki grinned, locking eyes with the other. _Wait until you see what I have prepared for you_ , he thought.

“You’ve got another?”

“It’s rather racy,” Yoshiki smiled, “promise not to fall in love with me.”

“Oh, I can’t promise a thing,” Atsushi leaned forward and whispered into Yoshiki’s ear, “not a thing.” Feeling bolstered, he nipped gently at the other man’s ear. Before Yoshiki could react, the director asked Atsushi to return to his previous position. _Damn_ , he thought. _Just as it was getting interesting_. His eyes downcast and the devilish grin wiped from his face, he heard the photographer’s cameras snapping. “That’s the one!” He called. “Hayashi-san, please get changed!”

“Yes!” Yoshiki called, unable to calm the rising blush. He leapt off the couch, and looking back at Atsushi, he couldn’t help a smile. _I had no idea he was keeping all that in,_ he thought. _I wonder how long he’s been feeling this way?_ While in the dressing room, Yoshiki had a moment to reflect on things. The whole day had been flush with tension between the two men – _was it always there? Or is the nature of the photoshoot bringing it out? I myself don’t know…_ He slipped off the thick brocade blouse and took a moment to examine his half-naked form _. I never was very muscular, huh? But, maybe I’m attractive after all…_ he leaned forward and looked more closely at his face. _Even when I was young, I couldn’t see why others liked me. But, Atsushi seems to think I’m attractive, maybe I am after all…_ It was true; all his life, Yoshiki had never felt like the “cute” one in his circle of friends. He had always been concerned with other things; never really minding the absence of that adolescent attention, he focused his energy on music. But, now that things were going well, and X’s popularity was growing, he often thought how nice it would be to be seen like that, by someone. He smiled at himself in the mirror. _Maybe, this is alright, after all._ He shook his head and slipped out of his trousers. He glanced over at the next outfit; lace tights, long black gloves, and strings of black pearls. _I wonder what he will think of me in these…_

Atsushi stood by the refreshment table sipping water. He hummed the tune to X’s latest song, _Weekend._ He rather liked it; then again, all of X’s songs were genius. Though he’d never admit it, Atsushi was one of their biggest fans. If he wasn’t a musician himself, he would be one of those obsessed fans with posters all over his room – but, being in the business himself, he could hang out with any of the members whenever he wanted; and that was dream enough for him. He ran a hand through his hair and allowed himself to wonder what it would feel like if it were Yoshiki’s hands, not his. He smiled. _I wonder what this costume change will be…_

Before he could let his mind wander, Yoshiki strode out of the dressing room in bare stocking feet. Atsushi’s mouth dropped open a little and he had to blink a few times to pull himself back together. As Yoshiki drew closer, Atsushi’s eyes wandered up and down the other man’s body. _Jesus Christ_ , Atsushi thought _, he’s beautiful_.

“Like it?” Yoshiki turned slowly, arms extended like a beauty queen, smiling a cheesy smile. He clocked Atsushi’s dumbstruck expression and smiled internally. _Well, that’s the reaction I was hoping for_ , he thought.

“Um,” Atsushi managed. “You really do look good in anything.” _Ugh, I sound like a teenage boy._  

“Thanks,” Yoshiki replied. He slid closer to the other man and rested his head against Atsushi’s arm. “It’s not as stuffy as your uniform, you must be warm like that.”

“It’s not so bad,” Atsushi smiled, offering Yoshiki the rest of his cup of water. Yoshiki didn’t take it, but opened his mouth expectantly. _How cute,_ Atsushi thought. _And those red lips of his…_ he held the brim of the cup against Yoshiki’s mouth and let him drink. Yoshiki looked up at Atsushi through his fringe. _Don’t look at me that way, like this… I don’t think I can control myself…_ Atsushi wanted to say. But, as if like a bad joke, the director once again interrupted their flirting by calling both men over to the set.

“Let’s go,” Yoshiki sing-songed.

“Yes,” Atsushi agreed.

“So, again, Hayashi-san will be reclined on the couch. Sakurai-san, could you sit behind his head? Yes, like that. Look down at him. Perfect!”

Atsushi was grateful for the large brim of his officer’s hat, shielding his gaze from the camera. He let his eyes roam up and down Yoshiki’s slim body where it lay on the couch; almost feeling guilty that he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the other man. Yoshiki’s legs spread, one hand resting in his lap and the other turning the pearl necklace between velvet-gloved fingers. He looked sidelong up at Atsushi; he could see how intently the other man seemed to be studying his body, exposed in this way.  He wasn’t sure he minded; whatever rabbit-hole the men had seemingly descended, Yoshiki wasn’t afraid. He studied Atsushi’s face. _How handsome he is,_ Yoshiki noted. _No wonder he has so many fans… his voice, too, it’s one of the best. Of course, it’s easy for me to look at him as a man, not just as a colleague… I suppose that time is long gone now, isn’t it?_ For a brief moment, Yoshiki placed a reassuring hand on Atsushi’s, which rested on the edge of the chaise. He gently caressed Atsushi’s fingers with his own, as if to say, _whatever this is, it’s alright. I’m not going anywhere. What shall we do about this?_

Atsushi smiled imperceptibly at Yoshiki’s touch. _I wonder if he can sense my nerves?_ He thought. _I desperately don’t want to screw this up…_

“Alright, gentlemen, I think that’s a wrap for the couples’ photoshoot,” the director began to say, “I mean, doubles photoshoot!” He laughed good-naturedly, and the boys joined in to ease their nerves.

“You want us separately?” Atsushi asked, professionally as he could, despite the tingling in his arm from Yoshiki’s touch.

“Yes, for a few more concept photos. Shouldn’t take too long. Sakurai-san can go first,” he motioned with his hand where he wanted Atsushi to pose. “Hayashi-san, you can watch and rest while we work.”

“Okay!” Yoshiki called, enthusiastically. Then, to Atsushi he smiled and whispered, “now, I’ll get to watch you like you’ve been watching me, won’t that be fun?”

Atsushi grinned. “Life is very… interesting, today,” he mused, taking one last longing look at Yoshiki before saying loudly for the benefit of the crew, “Go have a seat, you must be exhausted from lying on the sofa all morning!” And they laughed. 

Yoshiki sat down on a nearby chair while he watched Atsushi pose, like a baron, in a captain’s chair. _How regal he looks like that,_ Yoshiki thought. _I wonder if he knows how handsome he is, without even trying…_ although Atsushi was covered head-to-toe in black, Yoshiki couldn’t resist wondering what he might look like without the uniform on; the costume from earlier had suited him well, too: a billowy, black silk blouse open at the chest and form-fitting black trousers. Yoshiki indulged himself and remembered how close they had stood; how Atsushi’s hair had tickled Yoshiki’s neck when they talked quietly, so that the cameraman didn’t hear. _He smelled so good… when this is all done, what should I do? I can’t take my eyes off of him. If I blink, I might miss him… how pretty._

Atsushi watched Yoshiki almost as intently as the other was watching him; cursing that they did not, in fact, have the power of telepathy – _how much fun we could be having right now!_ – he hoped that his eyes conveyed the depth of his feelings in the moment. _I want to be near you so badly_ , he thought _. Just to rest next to you would be enough… but, your lips look so soft and warm… what should we do once this day is over?_

He didn’t have long to ponder the question; soon the shoot finished, and the men found themselves in the dressing room alone. For all the boldness they had felt and flirting they had done, now, they stood quietly, smoking side by side.

Yoshiki was first to break the silence. “Today was… interesting.”

“Yeah,” Atsushi took a long drag of his cigarette. “Do you… do you want to get dinner?” His heart began to quicken, like a teenager asking out his crush for the first time.

Yoshiki pretended to think for a moment, humming. “Yeah. I’d like that.” He turned to align his body closer to Atsushi, and rested his head against the other man’s shoulder. “Atsushi,” he said, voice reverberating through Atsushi’s body, “you can let your guard down, you know… it’s okay. I like you.”

“You… you do?”

“I do. So relax,” Yoshiki turned again, this time facing the other man. He brought his face closer to Atsushi’s and left it there for a beat before softly pressing a kiss to his lips. Atsushi’s eyes closed instantly and he very nearly melted into the other man, and had to brace himself against the vanity table.

When they at last broke apart, Atsushi whispered against the other man’s lips, “Yoshiki… what… what are we going to do…?” He pressed his forehead to the other man’s.

 _Ah, of course_ , Yoshiki thought. _Of course, we must keep this a secret… is that why Atsushi has been so secretive about his feelings until now?_ He took Atsushi’s face in his hand and brought their lips together once more. _Let me reassure you_ , he thought.

“Atsushi,” he said finally, “I don’t know what will happen… but yes… we will have to hide this, whatever it is.” He looked at the other man with a sincere expression. “Is that too much for you?”

“No, no…” Atsushi replied, “I want to stay with you, like this…” he kissed Yoshiki again. _I want to kiss you again and again, I don’t want to stop…_

“Let’s get some food,” Yoshiki said softly between kisses. “We can order something and get it delivered, if you want to stay away from the crowds… ah…” as he spoke, Atsushi held his face and kissed along his cheeks and jaw.

“I want to get out of here…” Atsushi’s voice was low and deep. “I want to go home.”

Yoshiki smiled. “Alright, let’s go.”

The ride home to Atsushi’s Tokyo apartment seemed interminable; under cover of the dark evening, Yoshiki had taken Atsushi’s hand and placed it on his thigh, and they twirled their fingers together. Even that touch was enough to send Atsushi’s mind wandering, but he didn’t want to give the game away to their driver _. I don’t want to ruin this, whatever it is…_ he thought, staring out the window. _I can’t even look at him, or else I’ll kiss him._ Perhaps Yoshiki was thinking the same thing; for he could not look in Atsushi’s direction, either. Believing this made Atsushi smile a little. _Maybe there’s hope for us yet._

Finally, having reached Atsushi’s apartment, they thanked the driver and ascended the apartment complex in relative silence. _What am I supposed to say?_ He thought. It seemed like all of the bravado and flirtation of the day had slipped out of the open window on the car ride home; now, standing outside the front door, both men stood awkwardly, hands in jacket pockets. Yoshiki was the first to break the silence. “Will you let us in?” He smiled. “It’s cold.” He extended a hand and reached for Atsushi’s arm.

Atsushi looked up from the ground and met Yoshiki’s kind stare through his long black hair. “Let’s go in.” He produced his housekey and let them both in, allowing Yoshiki in first and guiding him with a hand placed gently on his lower back.

Atsushi’s apartment was rather spartan in its décor; since it was only an occasional home for him whenever he traveled to Tokyo, there wasn’t much in it. Yoshiki slipped off his shoes dutifully and steadied Atsushi as he bent down and did the same. Yoshiki looked around the apartment; there were unframed paintings leaning against the white walls, and large windows without curtains. The wood floor was clean and shiny, as though it hadn’t been walked on for weeks. Atsushi had been in Fujioka for the last few months, handling family business after his mother had passed, Yoshiki knew – _so that must be why it’s so clean and empty in here_. Suddenly, his heart began to ache. _That’s right, he’s lost his mother… poor Atsushi._ He rested a hand on Atsushi’s back, gently circling _. I know what it’s like, to lose a parent. I’m sorry._

“Come in, come sit down. Do you want a drink?” Atsushi spoke softly. Yoshiki took Atsushi’s hand and led him to the sofa, where they sat close together and faced each other. Atsushi spoke again, slightly unnerved by Yoshiki’s silence. “Yoshiki, about today…”

“You don’t have to explain,” Yoshiki interrupted, kindly. He extended a hand and held Atsushi’s face, stroking gently. “Are you… are you frightened, now?” His eyes were kind, but betrayed worry.

Atsushi sighed. “I’m not… frightened. Nervous, maybe,” he corrected, “I’ve never… I’ve never felt this way about another man, and it’s… it’s _you_ , and I think I surprised myself with how I acted today…”

Yoshiki couldn’t help but smile at how small Atsushi seemed in that moment. “Atsushi, it’s okay,” he rested his hand at the back of Atsushi’s neck and stroked gently with his thumb. “These feelings, we all experience them. I, too…” Yoshiki thought back to when he was a small boy, and others in the playground had beat him up after he gave a White Day chocolate to another boy. He remembered crying about it all alone; who could he have told about it?

“Atsushi,” he continued, blinking away the memory, “times are different now. It’s not as harsh as it used to be, but it’s still… it’s hard to be open about feelings like this. But here,” he kissed the other’s cheek, “here, alone, we can be as free as we like and do what we want. No one will know.”

“Yoshiki… kiss me again,” Atsushi murmured. Yoshiki happily obliged. Within the safety and stillness of the small apartment, Atsushi seemed to relax. _How desperately I’ve wanted this_ , he thought. _And now I can have him all to myself…_

Yoshiki lithely swung a leg around Atsushi’s waist so that he sat on top of the other man, and cupped his face in both hands as they kissed. Atsushi began to unbutton Yoshiki’s shirt and took great delight in feeling the soft skin of his chest underneath, making Yoshiki shiver with pleasure at the warmth of his touch. He smiled into the kisses he placed all along Atsushi’s lips, jaw, and neck. Atsushi seemed to cling to Yoshiki’s frame as though it was the one thing keeping him alive; he grew tired of the other man’s shirt, and coaxed it off of him, never breaking their kisses. Yoshiki, in turn, undid the buttons on Atsushi’s shirt and furiously tugged at it until it untucked from his jeans; he kissed along Atsushi’s chest, reveling in the alabaster smoothness of his chest and eliciting soft moans from his lips every time his kisses strayed lower and lower. Yoshiki felt along Atsushi’s leg and rested it at the button of his jeans. He didn’t want to go too far too quickly, but _– I want to make him say my name so beautifully…_ he looked up at Atsushi through his large brown eyes, still lined in a smoky black kohl.

“Atsushi…” he whispered longingly. He kissed at Atsushi’s exposed belly.

“Ah…” Atsushi breathed. “Yoshiki… please…” with one hand he curled strands of the man’s blond hair in his fingers, pulling ever so slightly. Yoshiki took that as permission, and deftly undid the button and zipper of Atsushi’s jeans, pulling them open slightly and revealing Atsushi’s swollen length. Yoshiki took it and began kissing up and down before swallowing him deeply. Atsushi let out a groan that ran through his whole body, and he thrust his head back at the sensation. Contented by Atsushi’s reaction, Yoshiki bobbed up and down rhythmically, occasionally looking up at the other man through his fringe and delighting in the faces he was making. _Like this, he is even more beautiful_ , Yoshiki thought as he watched him. _How is that possible? He even tastes sweet…_

Atsushi could feel himself reaching his limit; he tugged at Yoshiki’s hair and clawed at the couch cushion where he sat. “Yoshiki… I’m…!”

Yoshiki continued licking and sucking at Atsushi’s member, growing more and more impatient for his release. _Come for me, Atsushi,_ he pleaded internally. _Fill me…_

“Ah…!” Atsushi exclaimed as he came. Throwing his head back, his legs shook with the release; he uncurled his fingers from Yoshiki’s hair and instead of pulling, he caressed the mass of blond hair gently, lovingly. “Ah…” he moaned again. Yoshiki drank down every drop and licked up and down Atsushi’s length, gently stroking. As his heartbeat slowed, Atsushi pulled once again at Yoshiki’s long hair as if bidding him rise; Yoshiki complied, and Atsushi crashed their mouths together. “Yoshiki… you…” He could barely speak. He had never been intimate like that with a man before; even with a woman, it felt different than this. He couldn’t find the words.

“Shh…” Yoshiki cooed, “Take me to bed, Atsushi…” he stood up and tugged at Atsushi’s wrist, willing him to stand. With his one free hand, Atsushi clumsily tied the button back on his jeans and stood on shaking legs to join the other. They walked the few steps towards Atsushi’s bedroom, and to Yoshiki’s surprise, Atsushi pinned him against the wall and held down his hands, pressing his weight into the other man’s body and kissed him deeply.

“Yoshiki…” he breathed into the other’s open mouth, swollen from kissing. “You’re beautiful, like this…” he kissed him again. Yoshiki couldn’t help the smile that grew wide on his face. Atsushi continued to kiss down Yoshiki’s jaw, his neck, his chest. He nipped and sucked at Yoshiki’s nipple, which, to Atsushi’s delight, made Yoshiki moan. Yoshiki ran his hands up and down Atsushi’s bare back, leaving claw-like marks from his long nails.

“Atsushi, lie with me…” Yoshiki moaned into the other man’s ear, sending shivers through his body and made his cock pulse in anticipation. The men crashed onto the nearby bed, laughing and gazing into each other’s eyes.

“You’re so beautiful, in this moonlight,” Yoshiki whispered, twirling strands of Atsushi’s raven hair.

“And you,” Atsushi replied, “I never thought… I never dreamed of this.” He kissed Yoshiki softly. “When the morning comes… stay. Please.” His eyes, though warm, betrayed worry.

“I’ll stay,” Yoshiki reassured him, “And I’ll come back whenever you want me to.”

The pair lay silently on the bed, kissing and softly touching each other, whispering about nothing in particular until Atsushi suddenly remembered something.

“Ah,” he said, rather loudly like a child caught not paying attention in class. “We have an upcoming show.”

Yoshiki laughed. “Yes, I know your group’s schedule, Atsushi,” he said. “Hide keeps it next to ours in the studio so we don’t play on the same evening.”

Atsushi smiled. “Does he? That’s kind of him,” he continued, “I want you to come to our show,” he pressed his forehead to Yoshiki’s. “Just you, if you can. I don’t want to disrupt practice, or cause a scene in the crowd… but I’d like you to come and watch me.”

Yoshiki was touched. Though he had seen Buck-Tick perform live once or twice, it warmed him to know that Atsushi still sought his approval. “Of course, I will.” He rested his head in Atsushi’s neck and kissed it softly. “Are you working on new songs?”

“I am, actually… I’ve been sitting on one for a while, but now I think I will be able to finish it in time for the show.” Atsushi smiled. _I’ve found a new inspiration, it seems… yes, I’ll be able to compose this song, now…_

The two men lay together, talking and kissing and touching; laughter turned to whispers, which turned into soft moans that were carried through the night air.

 

Finally, the date of Buck-Tick’s concert arrived. Yoshiki slipped into the back entrance with ease, and decided to surprise Atsushi before the show. He knocked at the dressing room door. Imai answered it, to Yoshiki’s disappointment.

“Hayashi-san!” Imai smiled. “Long time no see!” He turned his head back into the dressing room, “guys! Guess who’s here!” But before he could go on, Yoshiki signaled that his appearance was a surprise. Imai stepped out of the dressing room.

“Where’s Atsushi?” Yoshiki asked.

“He’s just going over the lyrics to a new song, he’ll be back soon,” Imai smiled, “come, wait inside.”

“Actually,” Yoshiki began, “is there somewhere private I could wait for him?”

“Ah,” Imai said, “I’ll take you to his separate room, yes,” He led the other man to the next room. “Wait here, I’ll send him over. Good to see you! Enjoy the show!” Imai smiled, unquestioningly. Yoshiki thanked the other man, and waited patiently for Atsushi to return, no doubt to make finishing touches to his makeup for the evening’s performance. He smiled like a schoolboy, bouncing his crossed leg like a nervous tick. At last, he heard someone’s footsteps nearing the door.

Yoshiki stood, expectantly.

Atsushi flung open the door, sighing heavily. Yoshiki took a step toward him, arms outstretched. Almost without even registering the presence of the other man, Atsushi instinctively fell into Yoshiki’s arms. After a beat, he finally realized what had happened. “Yoshiki…?” he questioned.

“Yes, it’s me,” Yoshiki kissed the top of Atsushi’s head. “I told you I’d be here.”

“Yes, you did,” Atsushi replied. “I’m glad.”

“Are you ready for the show?”

“Almost,” Atsushi said. “I just have to do my makeup.”

Yoshiki smiled. “Let me,” he said, sitting Atsushi down in the chair by the vanity table. “I’ll do your makeup for you.”

 _How poetic_ , Atsushi thought, _he’s repaying me for the time I did his makeup for him_. Yoshiki knelt down so that he was eye-level to the sitting Atsushi; he scrunched his face in concentration as he gently applied liner to Atsushi’s large brown eyes. Atsushi tried to keep a straight face, but found it increasingly difficult. _He’s so gentle_ , he thought.

“Thank you,” he said softly. “You’re doing a good job.”

“We always do each other’s makeup before a show,” he explained, “though, X’s look is much more made-up than yours.” He smiled. _He doesn’t need much makeup, does he? Natural beauty is rare, but look at you…_ risking smudging the liner he just applied, Yoshiki couldn’t help but press a soft kiss to Atsushi’s forehead.

“What was that for?” Atsushi asked.

“No reason.” Yoshiki replied. “Now kiss me, before I apply your lipstick.”

Atsushi grinned, and kissed Yoshiki deeply. _How sweet he tastes_ , he thought. _I can’t wait until after the show to have him all to myself._

Once they broke apart, Yoshiki began to apply red lipstick to Atsushi’s full lips. “Will you come over tonight after the show?” Atsushi asked once Yoshiki was done.

“Of course I will.” He replied. “I’ll wait for you here once the concert is over and we can leave together.”

They rested their foreheads together for a moment, before a stagehand called out from the other side of the door, “five minutes!”

“Ah, I have to go,” Atsushi sighed. “Kiss me goodbye,” he whispered.

Yoshiki kissed his cheeks and forehead. “Break a leg,” he said, smiling.

“I’ll sing to you,” Atsushi promised. He got up, took one last long look at Yoshiki, and left.

 

“This is a new song, so please enjoy it,” Atsushi smiled sheepishly behind the microphone. _He’s so shy in front of people, when he’s not singing_ , Yoshiki observed. _How sweet._

And then, like flipping a switch, all of Atsushi’s natural shyness seemed to melt away the moment the music began to play. He fixed his gaze on one point in the crowd; Yoshiki. And his voice seemed to hit Yoshiki’s very soul, like a blazing arrow of velvet sound.

_While my overflowing eyes are closed, on my cold, wet lips_

_Kiss me good-bye, say “this is the end,” and make me cry_

_As I feel a sad presentiment, on my white neck_

_Kiss me good-bye, hold me achingly, make me cry_

_My voice is torn to pieces and dances in the wind, I’m so happy I want to weep_

_Kiss me good-bye, with your last words, make me cry_

_Held by the moon, just like this_

_It would be fine if it all disappeared……_

_Until the candles go out, until our tears dry up_

_I want you to look at me and be with me always_

_Until we crumble, until we break_

_I want to gaze at you and be here always_

_Held by the moon, just like this_

_It would be fine if it all disappeared……_

_Stopping time, it would be fine_

_If we just closed our curtain now……_

_Until the candles go out, until our tears dry up_

_I want you to look at me and be with me always_

_Until we crumble, until we break_

_I want to gaze at you and be here always_

_Until the candles go out, until our tears dry up_

_I want you to look at me and be with me always_

_Until we crumble, until we break_

_I want to gaze at you and be here always…_

As Yoshiki watched the performance, he felt Atsushi’s eyes burning his skin. _He’s amazing_ , Yoshiki thought, stunned. _I’ve never seen him sing like this. Just when I didn’t think I could love him more… ah, did I just say that?_ He surprised himself. _Though, I suppose, of course, this is love._

 

_Sore wa ii desu ne._

**Author's Note:**

> here's a link to the photoshoot... enjoy!
> 
> https://visualioner.com/2013/03/24/erotic-photoshoot-with-atsushi-yoshiki/


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